| Moments |

بِسْمِ اللّهِ الرَّحْمـَنِ الرَّحِيمِ
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Salams

May we all be in the best of health & Iman, InsyaAllah.

This morning, I read an email reply in disbelief. Truth to be told, before the email came, I can somehow guess what to expect. It's just that I am in denial. I know, I have to accept the facts. Those facts are nothing but truth. All these are fated and bound to happen, no matter how much I go against it. And no, I am not going against what has been fated by Him; I know it would get me to nowhere.

An excerpt on the email reply by Dr Gilberto Lopes, an Oncologist from John Hopkins:

"Lifespan is very hard to predict.
A few years ago most of the patients with stage 4 disease would die
within 6 months.
Now with medications such as Iressa and chemotherapies, the average woman in Asia with lung cancer can live about 2 years or more if they have a good response to treatment.
Stage 4 is considered incurable because the disease has spread to other places. Finally Stage 4 is serious because it can't be cured. It tells us that the disease is likely to progress eventually."

I care lesser about the issue of lifespan as I believe that it isn't them (doctors) who determine how long a person can live. The figures they give to each and every patient of theirs are based on rough estimation & based on what they study medically. I certainly have faith in Allah. But, as I read on further, it disheartened me when the Oncologist emphasized on the seriousness of Stage 4 and the fact that it is not curable. I know that at the end of the day, it is Allah who have the final say. A miracle is never impossible. I definitely know that.

When I first knew that my mom had Stage 4 Lung Cancer, I strongly believed that she will/can be cured. I had strong faith, high hopes and nothing could dampen my spirits in those believes. I had the strength to continued my journey previously like before; before my mom was even sick. My instincts simply told me not to worry as I'm very sure my mom can be cured. As the days goes by, looking at her deteriorating condition, the change in her behavior/attitude and the fact that she now highlights her concern about things that she have never talked/discussed with me before; it simply worries me more. The faith, the hopes and the strength I ever had in me slowly vanished. I do not know what more I should wish and hope for. Despite all that, my constant prayers to Him stayed put.

Ultimately, I am aware that one fine day, everyone of us has to leave this world and return to Him. Ultimately, I believe in Kiamat, I believe in Akhirat. I really do. Only that, I am in a big denial; not wanting to believe the seriousness of my mom's illness. I know why. I am just too scared to imagine and think of the day whereby I will have to lose her. People tell me that I should be mentally prepared. People tell me that I should redha and accept all these sincerely and willingly. I am still trying to prepare myself mentally. There's still the little hope and wish in me, for my mom to be cured fully. I strongly believe that Allah is great, He is the Almighty!

There are moments when I wished that I could stop/hold back the time. There are moments when I wished that I could spend every single second to be with her. There are moments when I asked myself, "Why me? Why my mom?". May Allah pardon me for that. There are moments when I thought to myself, "If I had siblings, perhaps I would be stronger". There are moments when I told myself, "I am not strong". There are moments I asked myself, "How long more can I withstand and be strong?". There are moments when I simply felt like crying but I had to hold back those tears. There are moments when it pained me to see her in this state. There are moments when I can't concentrate at work, thinking of her, thinking of ways and means to cure her. There are moments when I can just sit and become all teary. There are moments when I am just angry at myself; for not being the best daughter to her yet. There are moments when I just felt like breaking down. There are moments when I felt like running away and hiding from all these. There are moments when I felt helpless. There are moments when I felt so lonely, so empty. There are moments when I felt all I need was some encouraging words. There are moments when everything seemed so dull to me. Those are the moments I had to go through and am still going through. Indeed, those moments are gift from Allah to me, to my mom, to my dad and to the whole family. It is indeed a rare gift that not everybody would get. No doubt on that.

I pray that Allah continue to bless me the strength; for me to be strong for my mom, for my dad and for the whole family. May Allah continue to bless me with everlasting Iman, a heart who fears only Him, a true confidence and a firm Deen. Ameen.


Love, lillah.

| Welcome |

بِسْمِ اللّهِ الرَّحْمـَنِ الرَّحِيمِ
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Salams

May we all be in the best of health & Iman, InsyaAllah.

Eventually, I feel that it's nice to be back here at Blogspot. Will update more in time to come, insyaAllah.

Love, lillah.