| The Loss |

بِسْمِ اللّهِ الرَّحْمـَنِ الرَّحِيمِ
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Salam

May we all be in the best of health & Iman, InsyaAllah.

It has been ages since I last blogged. Not that I have forgotten about this online journal of mine, but I guess it was kind of norm for someone who had experienced a loss to take some time to mend the heart & soul. But Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah; I have decided to blog again. This time, I blog not only for the sake of blogging but in a way, I am able to express my thoughts somehow.

It has been about 10 months & 7 days that my mom was taken away from me, dad, the family & all others who knew her. No, not exactly 'taken'. My mama 'returned' to where she came from; she returned to our Creator, Allah Azza wa Jalla. (May Allah grant her peace & comfort. Amin.) Ask me how it was, how it felt on that particular day & at that particular moment. It was exceptionally indescribable. I was shocked, scared and my mind was at a lost. At the point where the doctors & oncologists had told us her lifespan, we had told ourselves that Allah knows best and somehow we were still in denial, yet we had to be mentally prepared. Mentally prepared, yes, it was sort of torturous but at the same time, it was a blessing. Tell me about it .. We had to prepare ourselves knowing how her condition was. It was torturous as we had to live our life daily praying, hoping & ensuring that she was still breathing. No words could describe that moment. Every time she sleeps or takes a nap, I would be scared. Scared & afraid that she wouldn't open her eyes again or that she wouldn't breathe. Those who had experienced the same situation as I did would be able to understand how both my dad & me felt. Looking at her condition, knowing how time flies, knowing how her condition worsened, listening to the doctors' words; it wasn't an easy ordeal. It was a tough battle. But we realized, it was tougher for her.

About a month before mama left me, I had a dream. I thought it was just a dream and did not take it seriously at all. I dream that on a fine morning as I was leaving for work, right after I kissed her hand, she told me, "Zah, mama dah tak kuat .." ("Zah, mama's not strong anymore..").
When I woke up in the morning, I told my dad while he was in the kitchen. He told me not to worry and that everything's gonna be fine. I agreed and didn't think much about it. I regretted not taking it seriously coz mama said the same words to my dad on the morning that she left us. Allah blessed me with that dream to helped me prepare. I somehow guessed it but I tried not to believe. Even on that morning when I knew that 'this was it', I still couldn't bring myself to believe it. While she was on the bed and while almost everyone was around her, I was by the side of her bed, I cried and in my heart, I told myself, "Ma, please don't go yet. I am not ready. Please.." It was as if Allah heard my prayers, my thoughts & He knew how I felt, mama didn't leave us yet. But I knew she had to go, there wasn't any reason needed on why she had to leave; I just knew that she had to. Her nurse, Staff Nurse Muna from Metta Hospice, hugged me and whispered to my ears, "Fiza, go speak to your mom. Go speak right to her ears, say that you will be ok. Tell her not to worry & tell her that you will look after your dad". I nodded. But, I could not bring myself to say those words to her because my heart and mind weren't ready to let her go. Somehow, Allah knows best & He loves my mama more than I do. He opened my heart as much as it could and at that instant, I was willing enough to let her go. I was ready to tell her those words at her ears. I went up to the bed, sat right next to her & spoke those words she needed to hear. Mama smiled and closed her eyes. And yes, I saw her smiled. She did.

A lot of people came; relatives, distant family members, friends including close ones. On that night, after Maghrib, after ayah (my dad) finished his prayers, I sat next to him. I cried. I said to ayah, "Yah, I want mama back..". Ayah replied, "Mama is in a better place, let's pray for her. She is tired". I continued to cry for such a great loss. I understood, not that I could not accept the fact and not that I wasn't willing to let her go but it was hard. I remembered those words I spoke right at mama's ears before she closed her eyes. I told her, "Ma, you dah penat, you rehatlah ma. U jgn risau. I jaga ayah". Those were the words. I was selfish to have prayed that Allah extend her lifespan so that I could spend more time with her. I was selfish for myself despite knowing that she was in pain.

And till today, I am trying my very best to keep my promise to mama; that I will look after ayah & myself. I just had to be strong even though I am not. The strength that Allah has blessed me with isn't for me alone, but for ayah especially. A man & a father, he is. A husband to my late mama too. How much he tries to hide it, I simply knew the moments that he misses my mama. But, a strong upfront by me made things better. I have always tried to be positive, it works. Alhamdulillah. Yes, I'm living my life comfortably & nicely too, together with my beloved dad. He is all I have for now and may Allah grant me the capability to look after my ayah well enough till he age and till his turn to return. InsyaAllah, Amin.

Ramadhan is nearing, 2 days away only. The atmosphere would be different this Ramadhan. Fasting without mama, breaking fast without mama, pre-dawn meal without mama & performing Terawih without mama too. InsyaAllah, I'll be performing Terawih with ayah @ Ghufran, a mosque full of memories where I shared with mama. InsyaAllah, I pray that everything will go well despite all that. May we all have a blessed Ramadhan & May we meet the month of Syawal. Amin.